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Checkers
Checkers "a.k.a. Checks" is most famously known as being President Richard Nixon's cocker spaniel and top aid. He is a true American hero who, much like his owner, had his time at the White House cut short by the liberal elite media. Many historians have summarized his life as being quite Reaganistic in its development. Others have simply described him as the Stephen Colbert of the dog world for his devotion to America and for his love of BLT sandwiches. Life Checker's was named after his father, Sir Checkers Backgammon III, one of the world's leading experts on soil erosion. Prior to being sworn in as First Pooch, Checkers had developed a much publicized singing career. Notably he was the first leading performer in the original Broadway musical Cats and as a result, won a number of awards (that number being zero). His Broadway career was short lived when 60 Minutes ran a story entitled "Broadway's Anti-semitic Dog" which focused on a backstage video of Checkers wearing KKK headgear. Fortunately, with the world tuned in on another Ted Kennedy scandal, Checkers was able to fall out of the public eye. Years later he emerged as the star of his own hit reality T.V. show. The show simply titled "Checks" followed the dog around the country using his unique ability to solved crimes to exploit people for money. Although "Checks" lasted 14 season, it never won a single award as many critics considered the show to be too graphic for day time television audiences. During the Nixon era, Checkers served as First Dog which assumed him with the responsibility of being sworn in as President of the United states if the president, the VP and the speaker of the house were all incapacitated. Checkers attended every presidential meeting and was considered to be one of Nixon's top aids, advising him on everything from foreign policy to "plumbing" matters. Unfortunately after the sabotage of the Nixon government, Checkers was unsuccessful in his own presidential bid in 1976, running under the banner "Nixon II". His death has been under much debate. Some believe he died of a natural death at the Nixon estate, but others believe he was cryogenically frozen and is now an aid in the George W. Bush white house. 1976 Presidential Campaign Many do not remember Checkers' bid for the White House in 1976. After the Democrats sabotaged Nixon administration and forced Nixon to resign, Checkers stayed on with Gerald Ford but resigned shortly after. After roughly two years of the Gerald Ford presidency, Checkers believed that the White House needed to be returned to Nixon's fundmental teachings. Believing he was the perfect dog for the job, Checkers himself ran for President with the slogan "Nixon II: A Vote for Checkers is Vote for Nixon". Listed below are some of his more remarkable campaign promises: * to build an army Sylvester Stallone clones and go back to "Nam" to finish the war the American way. * rid the world of cats with a "shock and paw campaign" (possibly even by implementing some sort of solution which is final). * pardon Nixon again (can never pardon him too much) and shame Jimmy Carter * bite them over there so we don't have to bite them here * impeach Clinton * convince Kanye West's mother to have an abortion (note: George Bush loves black people) and then call her a baby killer * invent the IPod * remove corporal punishment in the classrooms and implement capital punishment in the classrooms * halt the advancement of the Women's Liberation Movement and implement the "No Kitchen Left Behind" program. What Checkers is Not * Gay * named after a board game * the master planner behind the Watergate break-in (because there was no break-in, silly) * the reincarnation of Stalin's dog "Marx" * a member of the ku-klux-klan * part of an illegal campaign contribution given to Nixon by Texan Lou Carrol * a godless commie from Bearpiter like Ted Kennedy * a cat who surgically altered himself to resemble a dog * anything less than a true American patriot * Checkers is scared of our Greatest President Ever's dog, Barney